Therapy for People Pleasing | Online EMDR & IFS in Texas, Washington & Florida
Are You a People Pleaser? Understanding the Symptoms of People Pleasing
Most of the time a people pleaser does not know that they are people pleasing.
You might feel confused, anxious, on edge, exhausted, unfulfilled, overwhelmed and frustrated.
You might not understand why you have these similar experiences that leave you feeling stuck. There might have been times in your life when you wanted to say “no” to someone but it seemed impossible for those words to come out of your mouth.
Everyday Experiences of People Pleasing
For example, when your boss expected you to do something that you didn’t want to do, or a friend had unrealistic expectations, the words just don’t seem to come out and you find yourself doing the exact opposite of what you wanted.
Then later you might find yourself thinking:
- Why am I doing this to myself?
- Why can’t I just do what I want?
Why We Learn to People Please
Since childhood many of us have been asked to be nice to everyone. But what does being nice mean to you?
- Does it mean that you cannot express your needs?
- Does it mean you always have to do things that make others happy?
- Does it mean never saying “no”?
For many people, being nice might mean never being their own priority. It might mean putting everyone else’s dreams and desires ahead of their own.
But being nice doesn’t mean overlooking your needs. We can be kind while still:
- Setting boundaries
- Taking care of ourselves
- Expressing our needs
- Prioritizing ourselves
Read more about childhood trauma and how it shapes boundaries
Cultural and Social Pressures to Please
I have always heard people say, “Treat others the way you want to be treated.” But does treating others well guarantee that you will get the same treatment in return?
In my experience, internalizing this belief can lead us to take responsibility for other people’s bad behavior. We may end up blaming ourselves, thinking: “What did I do wrong that made you behave this way toward me?”
Our society often encourages people pleasing traits. In my culture especially, prioritizing others is rewarded, while focusing on yourself can bring guilt. A person who overlooks their needs is often more approved of than one who doesn’t.
But at some point, we have to reevaluate. To find happiness, we need to move away from external approval and begin to validate ourselves from within.
The guilt that comes when you focus on yourself can be overpowering—but you don’t have to let guilt dominate every decision you make.
Symptoms of People Pleasing
People pleasers often look kind, dependable, and generous on the outside. But inside, the patterns create anxiety, burnout, and disconnection from yourself.
Difficulty Saying No
The thought of saying “no” triggers a stress response—fight, flight, or freeze.
For example, you might let your parents plan your entire wedding, even when they aren’t respecting your needs or boundaries, because you want them to be happy and feel too afraid to say no.
Self-Doubt and Indecision
People pleasers often second-guess themselves and struggle to make choices because they are scanning for what others want.
Over-Apologizing and Avoiding Conflict
You blame yourselves rather than hold others accountable, always trying to keep the peace.
For example: Even if your friend or partner was being unreasonable, you might still apologize just to prevent an argument.
Anxiety About Others’ Opinions
They want everyone to like them, fear disappointing others, and spend enormous energy accommodating everyone’s needs.
For example: You might convince yourself it’s fine to help a friend move—even when you desperately needed that weekend to rest and recover.
Disconnection from Needs
They struggle to know what they actually like or dislike. Even a simple question like “What do you want for dinner?” can feel overwhelming.
Unequal Relationships
You often give far more than you receive, in friendships and romantic relationships alike.
For example: You might be the one who always organizes plans in your friend group, goes the extra mile for the friend in crisis, or takes on most of the responsibilities in your relationship.
Explore individual therapy for relationship issues
Burnout and Exhaustion
Taking on too much leads to overwork, stress, and eventually, burnout.
For example: You may be asked to lead two equally demanding projects at work, each requiring new skills. Instead of voicing your limits, you stay silent out of fear of disappointing your manager or losing your job.
Perfectionism and Harsh Self-Criticism
They impose strict rules on themselves, rarely feeling “good enough.”
For example: You may show compassion to a friend for a mistake, but when you make the same mistake, you shame yourself instead of offering kindness.
Low Self-Esteem and Self-Worth
Their sense of value is tied to what they do for others, and they rely on outside validation to feel good about themselves.
For example: You may feel “not good enough” unless those around you are happy with you. The only time you feel a sense of worth is when others are pleased by what you’ve given or done.
Therapy for People Pleasing
As a therapist for people pleasing in Texas, Washington, and Florida, I work with adults who:
- Struggle with boundaries
- Overextend themselves
- Live with guilt and anxiety whenever they try to prioritize their own needs
The thought of setting a boundary or saying “no” can trigger such intense guilt and anxiety that it feels easier to ignore your needs altogether.
Why People Pleasing Develops
Growing up with emotionally unavailable caregivers can create an inner “people pleaser part.” That part developed to keep you safe, loved, and accepted.
How Therapy Helps People Pleasers
Identify Attachment Patterns
We explore whether avoidant or anxious attachment styles shaped your tendency to please others.
Build Awareness of Inner Parts
Through Internal Family Systems (IFS therapy), we identify the protectors and wounded parts driving your people pleasing.
Reprocess Old Memories
With EMDR therapy, we work through memories that reinforced beliefs like “I’m not good enough” or “I don’t deserve to be loved, if I have nothing to offer.”
Practice New Skills
Together we work on:
- Setting boundaries
- Expressing needs
- Prioritizing yourself without guilt
- Replacing harsh self-talk with compassion
Moving Toward Self-Compassion
Our work together helps you:
- Heal the inner conflicts keeping you stuck
- Stop repeating painful patterns
- Build a positive, compassionate relationship with yourself
We may use EMDR, IFS and EMDR and IFS together to help you connect with your needs, release old beliefs, and finally stop being ruled by guilt.
Ready to Stop People Pleasing?
You don’t have to keep living in exhaustion, anxiety, or self-doubt. Therapy can help you step into your authentic self. Schedule free consultation for online therapy for people pleasing in Texas, Washington, and Florida
FAQ: People Pleasing and Therapy
How do people become people pleasers?
People pleasing often begins in childhood, especially if you grew up with emotionally unavailable or critical caregivers. It can feel like keeping others happy is the only way to feel safe, accepted, or loved. In IFS terms its a protector part formed to keep you feeling safe.
What are the symptoms of people pleasing?
Common signs include difficulty saying no, anxiety about others’ opinions, over-apologizing, burnout, perfectionism, harsh self-criticism, conflict avoidance and low self-worth tied to external validation.
Is it bad to be a people pleaser?
It’s not good or bad—it’s a coping skill you developed because of the environment you grew up in. At some point, it helped you survive. But over time, people-pleasing can hold you back from thriving. It can keep you from truly connecting with yourself, lead to burnout, and contribute to feelings of depression and anxiety.
In short: People-pleasing isn’t “bad”—it’s a survival skill that can become limiting when it keeps you from living fully.
Why is it so hard for me to set boundaries?
Boundaries start with self-awareness. When you’re clear about what makes you comfortable or uncomfortable, it becomes easier to set limits. People who focus on pleasing others often ignore their own needs—or aren’t even aware of them—in order to keep others happy. Learning to set boundaries means learning to know what you want and giving yourself permission to prioritize it.
In short: Setting boundaries requires knowing what you want and valuing your own needs as much as others’.
Why do I say yes to everything?
Many people-pleasers are conflict-avoidant. If you’re worried about disappointing others, being seen as “difficult,” or making someone upset, it can feel safer to just say yes—even when it stretches you too thin. Saying yes becomes a way to avoid conflict, even though it often comes at the cost of your own well-being.
In short: Saying yes to everything is often about avoiding conflict, even when it means sacrificing your own needs.
How to stop being a people pleaser?
Stopping people-pleasing isn’t about forcing yourself to say “no” — it’s about healing the patterns that make it hard to put yourself first. Therapy can help you understand the roots of your people-pleasing and why it once felt safer to prioritize others over yourself.
With EMDR, you can reprocess the memories and feelings where your body is still stuck in old survival patterns. Through IFS parts work, you can gently work with your protector parts that keep you in the cycle of people-pleasing, and unburden the wounded parts that carry shame, fear, sadness, and anxiety.
Over time, this process helps you set healthy boundaries, feel more comfortable prioritizing yourself, and become less controlled by the need for acceptance or external validation.
In short: Therapy helps you heal the root of people-pleasing so you can set boundaries with confidence and feel free to live more authentically.
Do you offer online therapy for people pleasing?
Yes. I provide online therapy for people pleasing in Texas, Washington, and Florida. Sessions are held virtually via video, so you can get support from the comfort of your home.
Take the step that will help you live the life you want